22 July 2006
AUTHOR’S NOTE:I wrote this to help me deal with the pain and grief of the tragedy.No offence is meant.
"Hi! What’s your name?Can I have your number?",you said.Back then,I was actually queing up for my turn to the loo.Your smile captivated me.As awkwardly as how it started,we soon became friends and we were inseparable.I had always found it easier to confide in you because you somehow seem to judge me a little less while understanding me a little more.You trusted me,let me grow and listened to what I had to say without judgement.Whether it was something you wanted to hear or not.Form 5 year was the highlight of our friendship.I never had more fun studying with any other person.We spend most of the time gong to PBA together with Shan Shan.We used to SMS all day long 24-7 and nothing else mattered as it was always a way for me to achieve instant happiness.Time flies when we are having fun.However after SPM,we soon found ourselves in separate ways.I had to go for my National Service while you are preparing for your college.Like any other normal friendship,it had transformed.We grew closer although we are further apart.After I got back,we promise to catch up with each other’s updates.But somehow…We never had the chance.
That day my cellphone rang.It was a call from Melody."SK was kiled in an accident".All at once I felt a whirlwind of emotions:shock,fear,confusion.I was lost in emotions I never before conjured.My mouth dropped opened and my stomach did a flip-flop,making me feel sick."What…What happened?",I stammered.I poured my heart right through my eyes the moment I was told that you are dead.
I could not pretend.That night when I went to your funeral,reality crept in,tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face.This can’t be happening.I kept thinking.Someone please tell me this isn’t real.To those who known you well,your death must have been almost as shocking to them as it was to me.Sometimes if Shan Shan and Melody mentioned your name in my presence,they’ll look at me guiltily.Once Shan Shan and I thought the same thing when we saw the news papercuttings in my book.Remember the secrets you told melody not to tell me?I forced her to.Because I realy needed to know.I’m sorry.Melody even said that you miss me in a jokingly kind of way.I didn’t know if it was for real but I hope it is true because I miss you too.The world felt divided into girl who is not lonely and girl who is lonely after you went away.Only I knew I was in the latter category.
SK,do you know we never said a true goodbye-you and I.Tears stains my memories as I reflect.Your life came to a tragic end.Too soon.Too young.So scared.Why?Why?Are there answers in silence…?Because I am asking you and you don’t answer…Or maybe the silence is just you listening…
No words can express the feeling of the dearly missed presence of you.
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Diamond That Lost It’s Shine
Counting tha days,it’s going into the third year.Back then during the courtship,everything was so loving even if tears were to wet those rosy cheeks.Like some people said,hot cakes selling fast.Love is blind at that time.To him,you are his apple in the eye.He loves you with all his heart.Unfortunately,you never learn to appreciate him.As the saying goes,you’ll never miss the water till it’s dry.So you pay no attention to what he felt.Then one day,you cross the border and hurt him deeply.So deep that he is at his lowest ebb.But he loves you too much to let go of you.So,he go against his crying heart and try to win over you again.Lady Luck was by his side.Everthing was back to normal for him.
But this time,things get pretty ugly and fired back at yourself.You feel guilty and couldn’t forgive yourself.The guilt lies in you and slowly erode yourself-confident.You didn’t have the courage to voice out to him whenever you want to talk things out simply because you think you deserves all this punishment after hurting him.You end up living in subconscious guilt,love and desire.You feels he no longer loves you the way he used to and he is slowly getting apart from you.Consequently,you are heart broken.
Sometimes guys are so self absorbed that they forgets they actually have one unreplied messages or miss calls from loved ones.Guys expected the girls to understand them that they are BUSY.Time with their buddies every Saturday night means -hanging out till tomorrow morning when the sun rise.Messages or miss calls from loved ones can be done later.
So are we putting all the blame on guys?Does all this has to do with some psychological game?How can we handle the feeling of guilt in us?It’s understood that it’s usual that the flame will go steady.But is there a way to light it up again?Its also nature that girls can be sensitve.They just need to be reassure that are still the princess they once used to be.Simple messages saying ‘I Love You’,'I Miss You’ or even hugs and kisses work perfectly well to melt a girl’s heart.It’s not that hard to do,isn’t it?And mind you to all the guys out there-DO NOT USE THE TEARS TACTICS.That’s cheating!
Whatever it is,it takes two to tango.Give and take is an essential remedy to work that unstable relationship."The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can’t go on well in life until you let go off your past failures and heartaches."
Uncategorized | Comment (0)PLEASE…I HOPE…
Dear boy,
Are you with me already?Or are you out there somewhere?I pray that when we meet and fall in love,you will love me for me, and not for someone else who is thinner or prettier.I hope you won’t compare me to girls who may be witty or be embarrassed when my clothes don’t match.I hope that you will make me laugh,take care of me if I get sick and be trustworthy.
I hope that you will remember I prefer blue roses to red roses,and that my favourite colour changes with my mood.I love cars but remember I do not encourage you to speed with your friends.I pray that you’ll love me despite my tendency to forget your IC number and your daily routines.
Please know that I will constantly act strong and in control,but inside I am actually lost and confused.I would like you to be honest with me without being hurtful.After all,I am a girl.I might be too shy to kiss you first,but please don’t be afraid to kiss me.I won’t slap you.When we go on a date,please don’t stress about where to take me,what’s important is that I’ll be with you<Just don’t bring me to the same place each time>
And if I cry in front of you,please don’t laugh at me.Please know that I am sensitive.Just hold me close and I’ll heal quickly.And if it is because of you,I’ll heal just the same but you have to say you are sorry.
Understand that loving each other means being together but not all of the time.We should never bail on our family and friends.Also understand that I may be unreasonable at times but only because I have insecurities and I feel I’m slowly drifting away from you.
And if we fall out of love and decide to break up,please don’t hate me.I may be bitter but I’d like to be your friend if you’ll let me.I promise to remember you have feelings too and when you are ready,we’ll have a friendship.But keep in mind,I’ll always hope you’ll take good care of yourself even though we are no longer couple.
I hope you don’t think I’m asking too much of you.I wonder if we will be in love forever.Every relationship is a new game of card and…sigh…I’ve never been good at cards.But I will try my best to be kind and love you dearly for all that you are without expecting too much from you.
Thank you for listening.This is all that I ask.
Yours truthfully,
Girl
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Hidden Treasure Found-Loved and Lost
Before it’s too late?Does it relates to biological clock? What it is actually? Ever lost a friend when you’ve spend some time with him and by the time you get to know him better,you LOST him?
When you lost a friend, you lost it totally. And I mean it literally. Because I’ve lost a friend. A friend I never knew how much he meant to me till he went away and never will return. It all happens in a sudden. Death took his life away without mercy. Words can’t express what I felt. All the tears and pain. Sometimes I’m being silly that I hope all this was a lie. However I’m always brought back to reality. Tears bottled up in my eyes .I know I’ll never get to hear him tease me nor call my name again but I’ll always cherished the beautiful memories we had and held them deep in my heart. This goes out to everyone who has lost someone they truly love.
Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams left in my mind
And it can never come true
I press rewind and I remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain
Every time I hear your name
Walk in the park in evening day
I heard your voice and I thought you’ll be there
I run away but I just can’t escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say time will dry the years
But it may take a thousand years
Give my tomorrow the one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here
When will the tears stop falling?
Where can I run so I won’t feel alone?
Can’t walk away when the pain keeps calling
It’s just so hard to let go
The sun won’t shine since you went away
Seems like the rain is falling everyday
Some things can never be replaced
Some things will be with me always
Till the day we meet again
I’ll be missing you
And that the way it’s going to be
Till I get over you
Before I end this, I hope somehow you start to think and realize that life is fragile. Once some one told me life is a lending from God and He might take it back anytime. So live life the fullest. Start to pay attentions to people around you that you have neglected all this while. Let them know that you care and love them. Rekindle any broken friendships and start all over again. And I assure you, you’ll be more grateful then ever and amazed by the meaning of true friendship. And also to realize you are not alone after all.
Once again, to all my friends out there-it was by fate we met, it was by chance that you are my friends. Thanks.
–Friends for life-
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Hidden Treasure Found-Loved and Lost
No man is an island. This proverb itself means that every individual need friends. Pals. Buddies. Friends. What does all this mean to you? Are they the ones you seek help for whenever you tangled yourself in some sticky situations? Or are they the ones you spend most of the time with? No matter who they are to you, friends mean a lot to me. In my life of 18 years, I’ve made many friends. Some friends come and go quickly. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never ever the same again.
At present, I’m thankful that I have my friends who have back me up all this while whenever I felt like giving up hopes. My friends are special ones. They are the ones that always ever ready to hear my grunts about everyday life. For instance, I have a friend that often lends me an ear and she’s my private psychologist. Another friend of mine will let me go over her house and occupy her laptop and she wouldn’t say a thing.( maybe she’s cursing me in the heart that I don’t know) Next one is a girl who will never hung up on me whenever I cried to her over the cell phone. To my friends whom I just mentioned, I want to let you know that I’m grateful to have you. Without all of you, I couldn’t have made it through myself. I owe you a debt of gratitude for what you have done. I’m sure you know who you are.*blink* So wake up pal! Appreciate them before it’s too late.
Follow up in Hidden Treasure Found-Loved and Lost<Part2> to find out what the line before its too late means. -to be continued-
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
Boys boys boys.Charming one day,a total jerk the other.They are so hard to figure out sometimes.We all know that along with love,commitment and romance,a whole load of unpleasant issues are usually waiting by the door.At some point,even the most wonderful partner can have his negative side too.You have immerse yourself in a relationship too long to realise if all this sufferings worth your tears when you have to cry to sleep at nights?Take a moment and flashback.
You find it hard when it comes to communicating with him.You wanted to tell him how you feel but you can’t seem to do it so you act as if everything is fine between you even when it isn’t.Then whenever you are with his bunch of friends,you’re phoney and superficial.You try so hard to change yourself just to please him.And worst of all,you feel guilty whenever you don’t do everything he ask you to.How long all this nonsense have to go on?How long can you bear all this yourself?
Telling partners to stop comparing you to your prettier,thinner,brainier friend is gong to set the relationship on fire.Deciding to do something about the toxic people in your life is a big step.You may know whose poison is slowly killing you but fighting back is not always so easy to do.It’s a difficult decision to make but the only way to deal with a toxic person is to confront him to figure out if he’s actually worth keeping or not.
However it’s easier said then done to confront them because emotions can run wild during confrontations.You have to weigh the consequences of your actions and decide whether the payoff of cutting off a toxic person in your life is worth all that dramas.Sometimes,all it may take is a little distance from the person or sending the message that you are not as vulnerable as he thought.
Relationship of all kinds are like sand held in your hand.If you held loosely with an open hand,the sand remains where it is.But the minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,the sand trickles through your fingers.Thou you may still hold on to some of it,but most will be spilled.A relationship is like that.Held loosely with respect and freedom for the other person,it is likely to remain intact but hold too tightly,too possessively and the relationship slips away and is lost.
Ultimately,it’s up to you to decide how much pushing around you will or will not take.Toxic people can make our lives a living nightmare but then again,we’re the only ones who can do something about it.
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