My Knight On His White Horse
I expected to meet my first love in a magical way. Not necessarily “Knight on White Horse” magical, but I had a definite picture in my head-tall, brunette, broad shoulder. He would be romantic, smart and very witty. He would be perfect.
One day he did come along, although his perfection wasn’t quite there at first. He was my age and about five inches taller. A mutual friend introduced us. I guess you could say that was where it all started. We became friends. When we grew apart, I never expected to be missing him until one day…I wished to bump into him somewhere and it came true. It felt good. Our eyes met awkwardly but I pulled away. Did I tell him? Oh, no way! I was very proud…and very stubborn. And needless to say, love confessions are dangerous.
But this was different, it felt real. I knew that he liked me. He told me so all the time. I was confused. I wasn’t ready to get committed. It drove me crazy. It started with flirting and finally we were trapped in the moment between our own true feelings. That was when our friendship became more. We were in love. Months passed and our stability floundered. Love is a roller coaster and I must admit sometimes all the turns and twists made me sick. But through everything, we had an amazing and beautiful relationship.
He taught me how to love. He is indeed a person who is resolute in his decisions and he is ever ready to meet any predicament which consequently will befall upon on his head on. Never had I seen him backing down on whatever decisions that had been make. What makes him special is his selflessness. The unrelenting love that he has showered on me proves how caring he is. He also places his friends as part of his top priority, not taking his personal interest into account. His selflessness will always be imprinted in my mind. At times, I might be very mischievous and he being very forgiving will just tolerate with me and condone my misdeed. Nevertheless, there is still a limit to his forgiveness.
They say real love is forever. I don’t know the exact definition of it, but he is as close as I’ve ever come to it. Love has a tendency to fade. Ours did-almost. Coming into the third year of our relationship, he still remains as my first love. We have change and grown. And yet we still remain major priorities in one another’s lives. The fantasy of my magical man has faded, and I no longer search for perfection. I know that it doesn’t exist. What a girl wants may not be necessarily what a girl needs. So maybe this isn’t a storybook ending. Perhaps my childhood sweetheart will not become my fairy tale prince but what I do know is that love is mysterious, beautiful and often times much unexpected.
-‘Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion’.-
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Sudden Outburst
I was sitting here in the room while he was asleep,facing the four walls on my own that my thought began to linger…
Realised that I’m actually such a loser.Often than not,I kept my true feelings to myself and never let it out.I should say it’s my biggest vice.I’ve been trying to overcome it but nevertheless,it’s to no avail.Each time and every single time I insist not to give in…there and then…I failed.I FAILED.Of course,regretting the same time.
How should I say ‘no’ without hurting the other person?How should I tell someone that I need some space of my own at times?That sometimes I’m doing it for the sake of that person but ignoring my own will?No offence to whoever but I really have to learn to stand on my ground.No means no.It’s easire said then done.Show me a sign someone.I’m at my lowest ebb when it comes to this.I’m crying inside.Really…Can you feel me?
Well,actually it isn’t really all about this.Guessed I’m having a sudden outburst.Examinations is just a few days ahead.To be actual,11 days more.I’ve four subjects to cover and mind you,each subject has several chapters as well.It all accumulate to hundreds of pages to read up…Not 100 pages,not 200 pages,not 300 pages but beyond that.I’m really afraid that I’m running out of time.Time is so limited yet I’ve done so little.And again,I couldn’t seem to be able to hold myself down with a book.
What is wrong with me?I need some guidance here.I’m so lost for the moment.As though,everything is going against me.I felt like shouting aloud.Arghh…FUCK IT!
Sorry,that was kinda rude.(Not kinda but totally rude) I’m deleting this post of mine when I get back.It’s just a way for me to vent out the anger in me.But if there’s feedback,then I’ll let it remain here to remind myself that I’m such a loser and hopefully there’s some changes in me soon.Sorry if any of my words were harsh on anyone of you.You know…When the tense reaches its peak point,you go insane like nobody business.Lucky that I don’t use @*#~!!
I need a break! Get back to myself again after rejuvenating my soul.End here…
Uncategorized | Comments (3)I change?I don’t change much?I’m still the same old me?
Wakena ‘TAGGED’
How much have YOU changed in the last 10 years ?
April 1 1997
1) How old were you?
9+
2) Where did you go to school?
SK Jalan Residensi
3) Where did you work?
Huh?Who wants a kid like me as a worker?
4) Where did you live?
My home sweet home
5) Where did you hang out?
Nowhere exciting…At home mostly
6) Did you wear glasses?
Never before
7) Who was your best friend?
Jeslyn,Shan,Melody,Swee Win,Regina,Hooi Shan
How many tattoos did you have?
Lol..Are tattoos even a fashion at that time?
9) How many piercings did you have?
A pair
10) What car did you drive?
My toycar that needs me to pedal on-It’s green
11) Had you been to a real party?
Friends bday party-Shan’s…Wedding dinner?
12) Had your heart broken?
No..I was the happiest girl on earth.
April 1 2002
1) How old were you?
14+
2) Where did you go to school?
SGGS
3) Where did you work?
Not working yet..Mum doesn’t allow
4) Where did you live?
Still the same old house…Never gonna change-I predicted
5) Where did you hang out?
The malls,school and end up at home…Always,Everytime
7) Who was your best friend?
Jeslyn,Shan,Melody,Elashinee,Asyikin,Njunna,Vivien
Who was your regular-person crush?
Haha..Forgetten already.Let it be history as I’m attached now.
9) How many tattoos did you have?
Still goody-goody.None…
10) How many piercing did you have?
Remain as a pair
11) What car did you drive?
Under age
12) Had you had your heart broken?
Who cares?Im not afraid of heart broken during that age.
April 1 2007
1) How old are you?
19+
2) Where do you work?
Not workin this year.But tried working before already-SHOEPOINT
3) Where do you live?
Scroll up and you’ll know Im living in the same place
4) Do you wear glasses?
Strong eyes…But not perfect.Just good enough that i don’t have to wear glasses
5) Where do you hang out?
Malls,Penang Buddhist Association,library,Shan’s house,McD,my bb’s place…and etc
6) Who is your best friend?
Jeslyn,Melody,Elashinee,Bentengz-Shan,Swee Win,Ping Ping,Jas Lyn,Yi Lin,Wan Mei, Annie and Ngiap Ai and perhaps some that I left out…
7) Do you talk to your old friends?
Yes.Of course.With cellphones around,no excuses not to.
How many piercing do you have?
Still 1 pair
9) How many tattoos?
No.Never.
11) What kind of car do you drive?
I don’t have any of my own.Driving dad’s Honda Civic
12)Who you wanna tagged now?
Haha..Anyone that finishes reading this.Yeah..It’s YOU i mean